8 Wii Games That You Must Play

I haven’t done a critique of another site’s articles in a long time, and the last two that I did have been lost to time (until I get around to restoring the remainder of the blog archives). So it’s about damn time that I get back on my high horse and ridicule others for their earnest efforts.

This time it’s some guy named Baxy-Z who went and published an article titled “8 Wii Games That You Should Have Bought But Didn’t.” Do I agree with ol’ Baxxer’s assertions? Let’s find out!

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8. MadWorld

Ignoring the fact that I covered this game last year, MadWorld is a stupid choice that I actually did buy, but then returned a day later. Just because it’s a mature game on the Wii doesn’t mean that it should get an automatic passing grade. It’s bloody, styled like Sin Cityand full of swears, but it’s also repetitive and niche.

Grindhouse earned only $25 million in ticket sales when it was in theatres, which is less than half the production cost. Do you know why it was a flop? Because Planet Terror andDeath Proof only appeal to a small market made up predominantly of males aged 16-25.MadWorld isn’t nearly as good as those movies which it tries so hard to emulate, and it fittingly did even worse in sales.

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7. Battalion Wars 2

I bought BWII as well and then traded it in toward No More Heroes 2. The “impressive online modes” that X-Bax mentions do indeed exist, but have you ever tried to play a cooperative online game without having any means of communicating with your partner? Thanks to Battalion Wars 2, I can say that I have.

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6. Excitebots: Trick Racing

This is a game that I admittedly haven’t played, but I have played every other racing game on Wii that uses the Wii-mote as a steering wheel and they’re all terrible. I don’t know how many people there are who drive cars in the world, but I assume that it’s a lot. So why don’t more people realize that a steering wheel is not a free-floating piece of plastic that you tilt in order to turn: it’s a wheel mounted on a central pivot point that you turn in order turn. It also has forces like inertia acting against it to constantly push it back into the neutral position.

An analogue stick, such as the one situated on top of the Wii’s nunchuck attachment, is mounted on a central pivot and has forces constantly pulling it back to the neutral position. It may not be a wheel, but it’s still closer to real driving than the Wii-mote will ever be.

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5. Fragile Dreams: Farewell Ruins of the Moon

A sickeningly Japanese game fails at retail? This would only be surprising if you assumed that Capcom was the only company in Japan producing games. Even Atlus’s Odin Spheresold fewer than 100,000 copies in Japan. See? Even critically successful games on the PS2 can fail.

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4. Little King’s Story

Not to start a graphics vs. gameplay debate in the comments, but maybe if developers didn’t make all of their Wii games look like iPhone apps and PS2 ports they might be successful among traditional gamers.

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3. Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of a New World

Here’s one I might agree with, because my girlfriend is the type of person who might actually enjoy the Tales of Symphonia series. Since she doesn’t have totally horrible taste in games, I’d have to suggest that maybe this one deserved a little more attention. However, even she hasn’t heard of Dawn of a New World, so maybe there was a little problem with the game’s marketing.

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2. Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn

It was almost identical to Path of Radiance on the GameCube, and both games are known for being hard as balls. Average gamers don’t want permanent death in their games. They want gameplay that’s been dumbed down and homogenized, which is why the Xbox 360 is the most popular console among the “hardcore” crowd.

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1. Zack and Wiki: Quest for Barbaros’ Treasure

Point ’n’ click adventures didn’t suddenly become bad after the first-person shooter genre was invented, but their market was seriously reduced to where it could only support independent and free games for the PC and retro revivals on WiiWare.
I feel like this wasn’t nearly rude enough to poor Baxy Ball Z. I thought that maybe I’m losing my edge, but I know that can’t possibly be true. Just the other night I was playing a manly game of— Oh, God… I was playing Final Fantasy X last night.

Nintendo Wins At E3

First of all, there’s the 3DS. It’s pretty much what everyone expected, that being a new DS with a 3D screen. But it also has a 3D camera, an analogue “slider” and graphics processing/rendering capabilities of at least GameCube-quality (see: Metal Gear Solid 3D) and some games that look even better than most third-party Wii titles (see: Resident Evil: Revelations).

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Other 3DS games include Kingdom Hearts, Kid Icarus: Uprising and Super Street Fighter IV 3D, proving that Capcom is always full of shit when they claim that they won’t release any more versions of a Street Fighter game.

There’s even a new Ridge Racer game in development, which means that Kazuo Hirai must be crying softly to himself somewhere. I’m actually surprised that Nintendo didn’t take the opportunity to take any jabs at Sony here, considering they’re normally three years behind the times anyway.

And then there were a bunch of Wii games, like The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword.

Stupid subtitles aside, it looks good. I actually preferred The Wind Waker’s style overTwilight Princess, so the watercolour graphics look just fine to me. But I care more about Metroid: Other M anyway.

Other Wii games of note: Kirby’s Epic Yarn, which is the coolest yarn-based platformer I’ve seen in ages; Retro’s new game, Donkey Kong Country Returns, where Diddy Kong completes his Jedi training and learns that King K. Rool is his father; and GoldenEye 007, but nobody cares about that.

Considering the best that Microsoft and Sony had to show were motion controls (now five years behind the curve) and Sony’s $49.99/annum online service, I’d say Nintendo can have this year’s show.

I’m just making it up as I go along

I can’t be seen around the Internet with talk about E3 on the front page a whole four days after the event ended, so here are some ramblings.

So I bought Soul Calibur III today and boy does it suck, which is surprising. I found it at a local shop and thought, You know, I really liked Soul Calibur II and I really like games that let me create my own character, so I figured SCIII would be perfect for me.

As I’ve discovered, the gameplay is terrible compared to Soul Calibur 2. I own the GameCube version—which, as far as I’m concerned, is the only one worth owning—and the ’Cube controller has always felt right for fighting games. The button sizes, shapes and placement all make it easy to navigate, and the analogue stick is nice and firm for good precision (am I writing about a game or a penis?). Meanwhile, I still have trouble with the square and circle buttons on the Dualshock, and I’ve always thought that the analogue sticks were too loose to be effective for anything other than RPGs and action games. If you’ve played a first-person shooter on both the Xbox and PS2, you know what I’m talking about.

The character creator is also crap. Maybe I was just spoiled by Mortal Kombat: Armageddon’s “Kreate a Fighter” mode, which let you pit Hulk Hogan against Hillary Clinton, but I at least expect the item shop to be accessible from within the character editor so that I don’t have to keep exiting to the main menu. You can’t even modify the proportions of characters in SCIII, meaning no giant amazon women for the perverts among us and no scrappy midgets for the rest.

So everything that I was hoping for has been a disappointment, and everything else sucks just as bad. It doesn’t even look as good as Soul Calibur II—the GameCube does have a little more juice than the PS2, but you’d expect a game released a few years later to look just a little better, not worse.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say except that I now have a lime green director’s chair in front of my computer desk. It has a cup holder. I am awesome.

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