I’m just making it up as I go along

I can’t be seen around the Internet with talk about E3 on the front page a whole four days after the event ended, so here are some ramblings.

So I bought Soul Calibur III today and boy does it suck, which is surprising. I found it at a local shop and thought, You know, I really liked Soul Calibur II and I really like games that let me create my own character, so I figured SCIII would be perfect for me.

As I’ve discovered, the gameplay is terrible compared to Soul Calibur 2. I own the GameCube version—which, as far as I’m concerned, is the only one worth owning—and the ’Cube controller has always felt right for fighting games. The button sizes, shapes and placement all make it easy to navigate, and the analogue stick is nice and firm for good precision (am I writing about a game or a penis?). Meanwhile, I still have trouble with the square and circle buttons on the Dualshock, and I’ve always thought that the analogue sticks were too loose to be effective for anything other than RPGs and action games. If you’ve played a first-person shooter on both the Xbox and PS2, you know what I’m talking about.

The character creator is also crap. Maybe I was just spoiled by Mortal Kombat: Armageddon’s “Kreate a Fighter” mode, which let you pit Hulk Hogan against Hillary Clinton, but I at least expect the item shop to be accessible from within the character editor so that I don’t have to keep exiting to the main menu. You can’t even modify the proportions of characters in SCIII, meaning no giant amazon women for the perverts among us and no scrappy midgets for the rest.

So everything that I was hoping for has been a disappointment, and everything else sucks just as bad. It doesn’t even look as good as Soul Calibur II—the GameCube does have a little more juice than the PS2, but you’d expect a game released a few years later to look just a little better, not worse.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say except that I now have a lime green director’s chair in front of my computer desk. It has a cup holder. I am awesome.

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