It's time for yet another exciting instalment of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Super Special Feature + (the "plus" stands for polygamy), now in Technicolour!
Bulk and Skull: two classically misunderstood Angel Grove High School students. Products of an uncaring environment who have been ostracized for their social defects. Never before has anyone bothered to take a closer look into the lives of these troubled teens. But here at the 34th Dimension, we're in it for the children.
Join me as I delve deep into the lives of two of America's most well-known bullies and try to unravel the mystery of their pasts.
Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier
Even from an early age, Farkas (known as simply "Bulk" to his friends and gang-mates) had built up a reputation as a hard-assed bully. Indeed, many a dork and nerd were mocked in his first few, short years. But buried deep beneath that rough, flabby exterior beat the heart of tragedy.
Born to parents Roseanne Barr and Biff from Back to the Future, Bulk was never accepted by his peers as a result of his weight and overwhelming odour, which classmates described as "like a turd covered in pee." When his parents divorced, Bulk ran away from home and moved in with his aunt who owned a lot of cats. Thus began the first step in his journey toward becoming an Angel Grove bully—for behind every juvenile tyrant, there is a crazy woman and a couch soaked in cat urine.
It was at this point that Bulk would meet the friend who would change his life forever...
Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch
Skull lived next door to Bulk and his aunt with his adoptive parents, Allyson and Brian Skullovitch, and his extended family consisting of his grandmother, a group of travelling accountants and a Bengal tiger named Steve that only Skull can see.
Skull was severely retarded and could only communicate through repeating sounds and a high-pitched squeal akin to laughter. When Bulk met this young boy, he made a bet with a rich entrepreneur that he could turn him into a proper gentleman in the course of a fortnight. He failed, but the two of them became inseparable friends.
When they began their tenure at Angel Grove High School, Bulk and Skull were already 21 and 19, respectively. There they encountered Jason Scott, Billy Cranston, Zack Taylor, Trini Kwan and Amy Jo Johnson: the teens who would become the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Determined to gain acceptance in their new high school environment, Bulk and Skull tried desperately to win over the Rangers' affections. However, their first efforts were met with harsh derision. It began as simply as going up to introduce themselves, but Bulk's severe halitosis and Skull's inability to form sentences instantly put off the group.
"He smelled like cheese wrapped in bacon, and the other one just repeated what the fat guy said and then started shrieking," said Amy Jo Johnson, the original Pink Ranger, during an exclusive interview with The 34th Dimension.
While speaking to Bulk afterward, he rebutted: "CheeseBacon™ is one of my aunt's favourite recipes. It's not just food: it can be used for other things like soap and toothpaste. It's like a delicious Swiss army knife."
Bulk and Skull were not so quick to give up their efforts. For several seasons, and in a classic example of a desperate cry for attention, they would put on demonstrations to try and impress the other Angel Grove students. This was usually followed by their inevitable failure, and the ensuing public humiliation eventually forced Bulk into a crippling depression.Faced with his best friend's degenerating state, Skull did the unthinkable: he began thinking. Of a plan, specifically. However, the only thing he could think of was cowboys, so he and Bulk moved to Nevada and became ranch hands. Later they would star alongside Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in the blockbuster film, "How the West Was Fun."
Today, Bulk and Skull have come a long way. Having overcome his depression with the help of his friend and the use of several prescription drugs, Bulk now lives in California teaching school kids how to stand up to bullies and works part-time on Hollywood sets as a stunt double for any piece of furniture that Kirstie Alley has to sit on.
"Life can really throw you around. You'll never really know where you might end up, but thankfully things have turned out okay for me," exclaimed Bulk. "If it weren't for my friend, Skull.... I don't even want to think where I might be today. I owe him a lot."
So what has become of Skull? Since their days at the ranch, he has become a top-earning California lawyer, defending clients such as Michael Jackson, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie. He is still retarded.
And so ends our look into the lives of Bulk and Skull, the Angel Grove bad boys. If you take anything away from what we have discussed here, let it be this: fat and retarded kids are here for our amusement. When they do something stupid for attention, make fun of them for it. It's what the Power Rangers would do!
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