What's this? An actual article!? You are correct, sir! To continue the 2010 Countdown, here is a brand new article that I've finished. I'll return you to your regularly scheduled disappointment tomorrow. Click here to see the rest of the Countdown.
Video games can teach us many things, like vulgarity and racism. I'm certain that, some day, games will carry so much information that we'll no longer have any need for schools. In fact, you should probably drop out now and get a head start: it'll show future employers that you have initiative! While you're sabotaging your own futures, here are just a few of the things that video games have taught me over the years to help sculpt me into the debonair walrus that I am.
No More Heroes and NMH2: Desperate Struggle
Sometimes less is more. For example, the overworld in No More Heroes is big, empty and pointless. It may have been meant as a commentary on how developers feel that every game needs to have a sandbox area between missions, or maybe the developers just felt that every game needs to have a sandbox area between missions. It depends on how much credit you're willing to give them.
Desperate Struggle eschews the overworld for a simple navigation menu that lets you jump between missions, side jobs and shops quickly. It's so simple, even a website admin could do it.
Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis
Is your prehistoric theme park continually plagued by storms, heat waves and tornadoes? Just open up Weather.ini, located in the Data folder, and change the values of any lines that say "dryprobability" or "wetprobability" to zero.
Also, if you're in need of some extra cash to build your park, open Constant.ini and change the line that says "ParkStartPlayerMoney" to equal whatever exorbitant amount you want. It's exactly what President Reagan intended when he invented capitalism.
Interstate '76
If you ever want to hear a poem, just press the C key.
Outcast
When some ugly dude tells you to follow him, do it. Don't wander off in the other direction to gather some shiny rocks that you saw. If you do you'll find yourself lost and then get your ass shot to death by a group of equally ugly dudes.
Starsiege: Tribes
Every game needs jetpacks. Even Halo has this figured out by now.
Star Wars: Rogue Squadron III: Rebel Strike
Every game also needs cooperative multiplayer. There is not a single situation to which adding a buddy-in-arms can't improve.
For everything that Rebel Strike gets wrong (which is a lot), it got one thing very right: the entire campaign of Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader is available to play cooperatively with a friend. Don't even bother trying to play Rebel Strike's own campaign mode—it's filled with awkward on-foot missions that make Star Fox Assault look . . . well, not good, but less like a lawn turd by comparison. Just find a friend and a second controller and enjoy one of the greatest Star Wars games ever made.
Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude
I didn't learn shit about ass from this game. In fact, I feel dumber having played it. I can't tell if that's his hair or a hat, let alone if he even has a face.
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