Welcome to Silent Hill ... Revelation!

Silent Hill is a town where your nightmares become real. Where your inner demons haunt you in the most literal way. Where men with adopted daughters, widowers, and truck drivers with troubled pasts should probably not vacation.

Since I have no demons (let me kick these empty bottles out of the way), and nightmares about zombies and xenomorphs are elements of a good night for me, I decided it was safe to plan a day trip to the foggy town. It had been quite a few years since I had visited the old haunt, so I figured I'd hit up some of the local attractions like Lakeside Amusement park, Toluca Mall and the Brookhaven mental hospital.

I never could have expected the sort of Revelations that awaited me.

Sinister (2012)

Sinister by reputation, not-so-Sinister by fact.

Dread 3D (2012)

I review the last great summer blockbuster of 2012 and introduce a brand new ratings scale to the site.

Milla Jovovich vs. The Zombies, Part 5

Even though I have no idea how to correctly pronounce her name, I like Milla Jovovich. That's why I'm happy that the Resident Evil film series has finally hit its fifth entry, with Milla reprising her role as the rogue Umbrella agent Alice. Resident Evil: Retribution is once again directed by Paul W. S. Anderson, whose other credits include the seminal Alien vs. Predator and Mortal Kombat films (I am of course using the definition of "seminal" which means "of, relating to, or denoting semen").

Journey to the Mysterious Island

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island is a sequel to 2008's Journey to the Center of the Earth and, presumably, a prequel to Journey 3: The Search for More Money. I didn't even realize what Journey 2 was sequelizing until I was in the theatre and saw Josh Hutcherson's jawline. But even then I wasn't certain because, no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't see Brendan Fraser anywhere. Instead I was greeted by the rippling muscles, shaved head and perfect white teeth of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Suddenly I knew that this is what my whole life had been leading to, and this is where I was meant to be.

Journey 2 was going to be the greatest film I had ever seen.

The Third Annual Valentine's Day Horror Movie Marathon

It's nearly Valentine's Day and you know what that means! No, it's not time to hang the rope from the ceiling fan again. We covered this last year: you're way too fat for it to support your weight. If you really want to kill yourself you can just keep eating, and then you may at least break a world record while you're at it.