I review the last great summer blockbuster of 2012 and introduce a brand new ratings scale to the site.
Dredd 3D is at once notable for being the second movie that I have seen and reviewed this month. It's also notable for being the second movie that I have seen and reviewed this month with "3D" in the title, as if that suffix actually sold theatre tickets after 2008. The 3-D was actually the worst part of the whole movie because my eyes kept trying to focus on the perpetual mist that hung in front of the camera. Everything else was great, though, so if they wanted to include something in the title that would make people spend $12 to see the film, they should have called it Dredd Explodes Faces or Dredd is Played by Karl Urban and is So Dreamy.
I seem to have revealed all of my cards in the first paragraph—awesome movie, see it in two dimensions, Karl Urban is great and looks like a grumpy cat—so you may think that I've screwed myself for the rest of the review. But you, my friend, would be dead wrong … or should I say Dredd wrong?
You see, I have a secret arsenal: a case of beer and the ability to ramble about a subject well past the point of relevancy or decency. "Pants," you may request? I disposed of those sentences ago! Clutch to my naked shame and quiver as I spin a yarn that will rival such epics as Beowulf and I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
The first thing that I noticed about Dredd 3D was that Karl Urban says "mega blocks" within the first minute of the show in a super serious voice, which is hilarious. It was then that I knew that I was watching pure gold on celluloid. You can point out that celluloid is rarely used for film anymore, but I would retort by putting you in a headlock as I tag in my partner, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who will expose your nostrils to the full gamut of what he is cooking.
I figured I'd work in my daily reference to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson early in this review because we have a lot to cover. Like, why is Sarah Conner from the Terminator TV series a drug-dealing ex-prostitute? Does it have something to do with the terrible ending to season two of that series? One can only assume.
Also, has the blonde judge trainee in the film ever posed nude, and if so where on the internet can one find evidence of her lusty crimes? I have a credit card, is all I'm saying.
The most important question, though, is how awesome is Dredd 3D? If you ignore the 3D part, which my eyes are still recovering from, it's probably the greatest action movie of our time. Or, if not, it is second only to that quintessential tale of murderous vengeance, An American Tale: Fievel Goes West.
Setting absurdity aside for a moment, Dredd manages to be fun, gory, socially conscious and even a bit sexy all at once. It's a really accessible movie without being designed strictly for idiots. The action is over the top, but balances coolness and ridiculousness with precision. And the social commentary is straight-forward enough that everyone should grasp it at least on a subconscious level. It's saying that we exist in a complex system of interconnectedness where binary opposites are maintained only as a convenient, constructivist ideal, and that's how I get to work in Jacques Derrida and put my education in literature to use.
Meanwhile, Lena Headey looks genuinely hot with those facial scars, and Karl Urban can growl into my ear all day, so what does that say about me?
I think I've become very easy to please in my twilight years. But, like Aristotle before me, I try to judge a work on its own merits and look for its ultimate purpose in the world. Dredd 3D isn't going to cause the body politic to think any harder about their lives, but it might make their lives a little harder. That was a subtle joke about erections. I'm still hung up on the topic of sex appeal, and that was another dick joke.
If we can step past my boner, though, Dredd 3D is one of my favourite movies this year. It's not as good as The Dark Knight Rises (we're back to erection-based humour, now), but I may have enjoyed it more than The Avengers. That's only because Dredd never tries to be more than a great action movie, whereas The Avengers tried to work a plot somewhere into the middle, failed to keep it coherent (something about Loki bringing together Earth's greatest heroes so that he can … tear them apart?), and covered the whole mess up with the hilarious comedy duo of Hulk and Thor.
I should be proud of myself for not mentioning until now that Karl Urban and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson both starred in the Doom movie, but I can't shake the sense that I missed a huge opportunity with this review. Oh, well.
I give Dredd 3D three frowny Karl Urban faces and a McCoy.
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