Another batch of horror movies to quell the feelings of crippling loneliness that are sure to rise this time of year.
Hello there, kiddy-widdies! I'm back again with another exciting assortment of horror movies for you to spend your Valentine's Day watching with your girlfriend/boyfriend/bag of Doritos™. This year the theme is whatever is available on Canadian Netflix, because I can't afford DVDs anymore. So sit back, relax and cop a feel while you watch the following holiday-inappropriate film selections.
Event Horizon
This movie did not age as well as I had thought. I didn't realize until I selected it from the Netflix menu that it was released in 1997. I thought that it was more recent, so I told my friends to prepare for an actual horror movie. Not the type that you'd watch with your Mormon girlfriend, but one with tits and gore and gory tits. That didn't quite pan out, though. Somehow, even with all of those tits soaking up blood like sponges, I have to believe that even Brigham Young himself would approve of this one. It's just a bunch of good, old-fashioned heathens being sent to Hell, after all.
Event Horizon is about a crew that discovers horrible things on their mission to rescue and investigate a faster-than-light spaceship that was lost in space for nearly a decade. Other than that, it's more or less a shameless ripoff of Alien, right down to the white foam padding over everything and the two characters who are assigned to collect aluminum tubes for the escape flight home.
The most redeeming feature of this movie is Cooper, AKA your best friend, who spends the entire time smiling, helping and cursing his way through space. Because of him I give Event Horizon a respectable three thumbs out of five.
| It's just my job five days a week. |
Pandorum
Another ship sent into deep space, another set of horrible monsters to discover onboard. Interstellar travel is getting a bit predictable, I think.
Pandorum is just like Event Horizon but without the comic relief. There is no character equivalent to Cooper, jettisoning himself through space to save the day while yelling expletives the whole way. But Pandorum makes up for it by increasing the ratio of Dennis Quaid to not Dennis Quaid by some impossible amount. There is a lot of Dennis Quaid in this movie. Like, at least one.
There's also a guy who looks sort of like Draco Malfoy, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't really him because there were no wand fights in the bathroom. For that oversight, I can only give Pandorum two and a half thumbs out of seven.
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| In space, no one can hear me quit you. |
Piranha 3DD
A horror-comedy about killer fish with little plot development and no resolution, unless you count David Hasselhoff running in slow motion.
You would think that this would be the easiest movie to quip about, but it's actually harder to make fun of a movie that makes fun of itself. Self-aware bad movies are a critic's worst foe, because what do I say about it that the film hasn't already said itself? I could mention that I expected Gary Busey to have a bigger role, but he bites off a fish's head in the first scene so I'd have to be a spoiled chump to demand anything more.
There's also a scene where a girl gets bitten and I think is meant to look like she's having her period in the pool, so there's that for you. Judge it as you will.
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| Piranha 3DD gets one bloody pool period out of five. |
Black Death
Sean Bean dies at the end. I'm sorry, did I ruin that for you? No I didn't, because Sean Bean always dies. The real joy is in discovering how he dies. Will he be shot with arrows? Fall off a cliff? Be buried alive? The possibilities are endless, and I assure you that Black Death will not disappoint.
Except that it will, because in every other sense this movie is terrible. I've seen it twice now, and I only suffered through it the second time because I insisted on sharing my pain with the people I care about.
Black Death is set during the time when the Bubonic Plague and Christian fundamentalism were ravaging Europe to equal effect. I personally give it one plague-ridden thumb out of a hundred, and may God have mercy on its soul.
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| I looked and, behold, a pale horse. And his name that sat on him was death. |
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