... Everybody knows it’ll drive you insane!
If you were alive in the early to mid 1990s, the memory of that unholy anthem is likely to send waves of chills down your spine. It heralded the coming of doom itself; the destroyer of worlds; the harbinger of pain; the demon, Pog.
Life in the small town of Brampton, Ontario was quiet and peaceful; filled with good, honest Christian folk, scuttling about their happy lives with nary a care in the world. Parents joyfully went to work each morning, while the children played their playground games. Neighbourhoods attended hockey tournaments in support of their local teams and Fox Kids was still on the air.
The Canada Games Company opened its doors in Brampton in 1987. On the surface it was just another friendly toy manufacturing company, with such children’s favourites as Tye Dye Teddy and Zeddy Jigsaw Puzzles. Known only to key members of its board of directors, however, was that the Canada Games Company was really a secret Nazi organization performing dire experiments into the occult.
Two replica slammers—devices used as part of the invocation ritual, often argued to be the ritual’s true source of power.
In the early ’90s, the Company unearthed documents in Hawaii that detailed the workings of an ancient ritual. They learnt that the Hawaiian natives, through the use of magical coins that were embossed on one side with esoteric markings, would summon the demon known as Pog into their service. Pog, however, was unruly and soon turned on his supposed masters, driving them slowly to insanity.
The Company attempted to use the coins toward their own ends; but when the first few board members were driven mad and found engaged in ritualistic suicide, it became apparent that the power of the coins could not be harnessed directly. So, they devised a plan to use the alluring force of Pog to destroy their enemies from within.
They disguised and marketed the coins as a children’s game—dubbed Pog, in honour of the game’s devilish progenitor—in order to infiltrate every home in Brampton, and soon all of Canada. Being retarded, children were quickly seduced by the colourful images and extreme marketing campaign of Pog, and the insanity that engulfed them sent the entire nation into shock.
It began as a series of minor schoolyard disputes, usually over the results of a game of “Pogs”; but it soon became much more heinous. The children devolved into a ghoulish state as Pog twisted their forms into something utterly inhuman. They began craving blood as sustenance and lashed out at their teachers and parents alike. The mayhem continued until the adults took initiative and moved to ban Pog entirely; however, the damage had already been done and it seemed that the children were lost forever.
The Company’s plans had been a complete success. With the entire Canadian population distracted by the plight of their children, they were now totally free to engage in their horrible agenda. On June 6, 1997, following a one sided corporate battle with the United States government, the Canada Games Company took official possession of the moon and began a brutal campaign of kicking shit over and stuff. The last transmission sent to Earth by the Company’s CEO stated, "Hell yeah. Take that, moon bitches."
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| Board members of the Canada Games Company, fucking shit up on the moon. |
Back on Earth, Pog finally revealed its true form to the masses. The world held its breath as the beastly, demonic head rose up from the horizon and in a bellowing voice exclaimed, "Deus ex machina," before disappearing forever.
Afterward, life returned to normal. The children, while still retarded, were now freed from their curse. The President of the United States, Bill Clinton, declared himself the Hero of Earth and I made out with Amy Jo Johnson.
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