I'm trying something new. Rather than writing a review, I'll be live-blogging my impressions as I watch Night Swim, which I know absolutely nothing about.
Spoilers, obviously.
0:53 - Any horror movie with fewer than nine production studio cards has to be good, and this one only has three.
5:39 - So far it's reminding me of the haunted hot tub episode of American Dad with Ceelo Green. That is another good sign.
6:29 - Bearded dad's migraine is probably caused by the light reflecting off his extremely polished wedding ring. Even in the blue colour-graded rain scene, that thing looks like it's bound to attract Boromirs.
9:20 - I actually don't have any experience with pushy, saccharine realtors. Even though I sold my house after just one year because the neighbourhood was shit, I used the same realtor to sell as I did to buy because he was the only one who didn't pressure me into buying it.
10:38 - Bearded dad falls into the pool with the cover on. Clearly this is the house for them.
11:14 - Suspension of disbelief destroyed. Everything I know about pool covers is that they're an unsurvivable death trap.
11:23 - The pool ghost must have saved him. I had no idea this was a Casper sequel.
14:15 - Oh, bearded dad has progressive MS. Well now I want him to survive because the pathos is strong in this one. Well played, haunted swimming pool movie.
14:57 - Most realistic part of the movie so far is the Gen Z daughter taking a water bottle to school. In my day we drank the town water from the one cold drinking fountain and we were happy. We all have stunted brain development from the lead poisoning, though, which is probably why we're happy.
17:01 - Okay, so the ghost lives in the drain. This must actually be a prequel to "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk.
18:08 - They brought in a pool expert, and kudos to the actor. He's playing it like he's Quint from Jaws.
21:32 - An American family that can pay their medical bills. That's it. That's the observation.
23:35 - I keep expecting Ceelo to start singing when the pool lights flicker.
24:38 - "I think we should put in a pool cover, just to be safe." DID YOU NOT JUST READ WHAT I SAID ABOUT POOL COVERS!?
26:05 - Pool ghost ate the cat. I'm calling Winston. Fucker has to go.
26:29 - The pool is sourced from natural spring water with magic healing properties, but it eats cats and children. This movie is a metaphor for the American health care system.
27:17 - Bearded dad's constant baseball talk is making me lose sympathy for him. We could solve the healthcare crisis if every person with a terminal illness was obsessed with sports because no one would care when they die.
31:43 - So, it really is the American Dad episode with the haunted hot tub, but without the tunes.
33:43 - Pool ghost likes pretending to be its victim's family members. Perhaps the real pool ghost is the dad who dangled us over the deep end to scare us along the way.
34:46 - The ghost that lives in the drain has an overweight cousin who lives on the diving board. Just like all of us.
35:12 - And now it's Pennywise of the pool filter. Come on, kid. Stephen King must exist in your universe. Or at least James McAvoy.
36:16 - Pool ghost grabs kid's arm, kid yells "let go of me," and the pool ghost lets go. It's called consent, and this movie gets it.
37:09 - Kid tells mom exactly what happened and the mom doesn't immediately dismiss it. Horror movie, what are you doing? That can't happen.
40:20 - Reluctant kid hits a baseball on his first try at practice. I can no longer relate to this movie. Where's the older, distant cousin who tells you to keep swinging until you hit it, champ, even after you strike out, and you're 32?
40:48 - The baseball coach looks like Kevin Durand. Not an important observation. I just like Kevin Durand because I think he looks a bit like me. Mostly because no one can tell what nationality he is either. Is he Asian? Is he Russian? You'll never know. (He's Canadian.)
41:56 - Awww, pool ghost is cheering on baseball dad (née bearded dad) from inside the drain. Is this actually actually a Field of Dreams sequel?
44:26 - Remember when Barb died in the pool in Stranger Things and everyone was upset that nobody in the first season seemed to care that much, so they super over-corrected in the second season? I don't think anyone would have such strong feelings about swim team guy in Night Swim.
45:57 - First good look at the pool ghost and it's adequately creepy.
47:38 - The daughter's reaction to being kissed by swim team guy says what we're all thinking: "He's hot and has done nothing wrong, but I actually hate him. Why is that?"
49:14 - "What makes more sense: that the pool's helping us or that it's haunted?" "What if it's both?" I love that either option is a plausible scenario for these kids. Personally, I think the pool is trying to be nice but it's like Lennie from "Of Mice and Men."
50:04 - So, you can just bring a whole watermelon to someone's house and it's considered a nice gesture? Is that weird or am I coming down with a bout of the 'tisms?
50:36 - It's neighbourhood pool party time, and I'm getting Jaws vibes again. Is the pool expert going to come back with a spool of piano wire?
50:59 - That cannonball reminded me of "Sue" by no suits. Just an excuse to link to that video.
51:20 - Oh! Swim team guy is Christian. That's why he's so hateable.
51:52 - The person that brought the watermelon didn't even offer to cut it. She's just watching and drinking alcohol while the mom cuts it. I'm glad I wasn't wrong. Whole watermelon is an asshole gift.
52:48 - Baseball dad reminds me of Jason Clarke. Field of Dreams meets Pet Sematary remake?
53:23 - I just got a notification that Nioh 2 finished reinstalling on my PS5. It's 50% off right now, if you're interested. I previously just had it through PS+, but it's worth owning outright for when Subscription Krampus decides to revoke everything in your library that you've been paying monthly to maintain.
53:36 - The movie gets instant points for calling the old jacked guy in the pool "Steroid Shrek."
56:36 - Baseball dad just swallowed the poo water. He seemed excited about it.
58:25 - The movie just brought back the blue colour grading. That's how you know it's getting serious.
58:55 - Watermelon bitch is solidifying her position as "character who should die next."
1:04:57 - The mom tracked down the family that lived in the house during the prologue, and Old Awkwafina just answered the door.
1:10:42 - We've reached the lore dump section of the movie, and they're going with ancient native religious site.
1:11:07 - The black fluid coming out of Old Awkwafina's lungs looks like what comes out of the other end of me after a whiskey night.
1:13:18 - The pool ghost is in the drinking water now and posing as T-Rex stomp ripples.
1:14:57 - The pool cover is poised to strike at any moment. We need the ghost of Nigel Marven here immediately! What do you mean, "he's still alive"? Get me the dead one then!
1:20:20 - Come on, family. If the pool just needs a sacrifice, the bitch that brought the watermelon is right there. This isn't complicated.
1:21:14 - Finally, a movie that acknowledges that Marco Polo is the most dangerous game.
1:22:20 - As a kid I used to always hold my breath when characters in movies were underwater to see if I could survive it. After watching Night Swim they would find me six days later and rule the cause of death to be "could have just breathed, stupid."
1:23:44 - Now they're going to literally beat the bad water out of baseball dad like he's a water balloon piñata.
1:25:54 - Hey, don't you wanna take your shoes off before you go swimming?
1:29:30 - So, that was Night Swim. In case you couldn't tell I actually did enjoy it, even if it wasn't particularly scary. Best of all, now you know just how annoying it is to watch a movie with me.
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